It’s that time again where we dissect some really bad stuff and learn a life lesson by the end of it, well maybe not that last part, but we are about to end some fools and rip apart their matches. I’ve recently been hit across the head with a bat and afterward, I found a new respect for none other than the Keibs (Stacy Keibler) but my god does she have some awful matches, so, she gets her own very special edition. Enjoy.
Eggnog Match - Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie WilsonDeck out hell with bottles of Eggnog
From RAW December 24, 2001
Okay, let’s start this one out with a huge confession that could potentially end some of my friendships, I have never tried eggnog. I have no clue how you make it, if you do, I just don’t know. A friend of mine did inform me that it contains rum, so, I like it already. But I don’t have a clue what it’s purpose is. I apologize if this statement offends anyone. Anyway, it looks interesting that’s for sure. The Keibs is first out for this match with a really weird theme song, also known as the one she used before that really famous one she had. I’m so used to hearing the screams of Kid Rock that anything else just sounds odd to me. Lilian politely lets us know this is the first ever eggnog match, thank god, I really thought I’d missed out on some amazing match from the 80s where Hogan just throws the drink at everyone who dares to come to the ring to get some. But, this is surely a classic that everyone remembers, especially for that one spot where they drown each other, I’m certain Seth Rollins wishes he could have even the slightest bit of technical prowess that is on display in this one, but he can’t, he’s not the Keibs. Both women are wearing Santa suits because, Christmas. There’s a little bit of out of the pool offense, I can’t even believe I just had to write that sentence, but here we are, this is what my life has come to. What proceeds to happen is just messiness. I mean really, who allows themselves to be body-slammed into someone’s drink? No manners whatsoever from Torrie here. Disgraceful act. She was kind enough to throw candy canes at some people in the crowd, but I bet one of them hit someone in the face, despicable. She drags Stacy and the referee into the pool, they roll around for a bit, and look like they’re slowly dying from lack of oxygen. It’s both amusing and quite uncomfortable at the same time, but damn do I wish I could get paid to do dumb stuff like this. The referee falls over in the drink a bunch of times, you know, for the laughs except I’m the only one laughing. I’m really curious to find out who was coming up with these ideas backstage, “hey, uh, yeah… let’s just make them roll around in a Christmas drink, that’s hot, right? R….ight?” followed by a slow yet enthusiastic nod from Vince. After a few minutes of them both slowly dying and me wishing I was dead instead of watching this, the match comes to an end after the Keibs is on the receiving end of a… wait for it… roll up. I’ve come to accept these matches as nothing more than comedy attempts from the brain of a mad scientist who believes women really like wrestling in liquids (get your mind out of the gutter), yet this one ruined Christmas for me, and that is not acceptable. I already had it ruined once at seven years old when my sister told me the fat man isn’t real, so this just adds insult to injury. The Keibs and Torrie Wilson are a big part of my childhood, I do not wish to see them killing each other in eggnog ever again.
WWE Women’s Championship Gravy Bowl Match - Stacy Keibler vs. Trish StratusGoodness gracious great bowls of Gravy
From SmackDown November 22, 2001
I may not wish to see the Keibs in eggnog ever again, but we should probably check out how she does in gravy instead. Surely, it can’t be that bad right? Wrong. I can’t actually wrap my mind around the fact this was for the championship, but at the same time, this is WWE so I can. It also furthers my point that this title is not as prestigious as people would like to believe. Yet again, Stacy is out first and that horrid music is in my ears again. Trish is out next and what the hell man. She too has a really poor theme song instead of her Lil’ Kim one. Good lord, it sounds like something you’d hear in one of those late night bars, you know the type, probably. Now, I don’t know what either woman’s IQ score is, but wearing a pretty dress to a match where you’re going to end up no doubt destroying your attire, seems pretty stupid if you ask me. There’s actual food beside the pool full of “gravy” and the pair are seated and ready to eat together, that is until the Keibs throws potato across the table at Trish, who responds by pouring “cider” over Stacy’s head. Paige is currently shaking somewhere at the thought of cider being wasted. They slap each other back and forth for a hot second until Stacy gets hit in the face with a pie. She then literally slides Trish across the table as if she were a piece of paper, and throws her off it. A large portion of this is not spent inside of the gravy pool which kind of defeats the purpose of it, but they do finally make their way into it, although not willingly I’m sure. I really wish I could tell you that they pulled out something incredible, but that would be a lie and I don’t lie. There’s a lot of pushing and shoving, a powerslam from Trish and even an odd version of a chinlock which forces Stacy to tap out. You know those families that tell really crazy reunion stories, about how uncle Bob hit cousin James with a stick and then all hell broke loose, this is like that except between two people. There’s food, there’s a pool full of gravy, a championship, and a turkey. It’s wonderfully awful.
Bra and Panties Mud Match - Stacy Keibler vs. Trish StratusMud bath gone very wrong
From RAW August 19, 2002.
So, for those of you keeping score at home, we’re now onto our third pool related match that the Keibs has been involved in, fairly certain this makes her a master of the art at this point and she should really be recognized for this accomplishment that not even John Cena is capable of, and he’s done everything. Not only is she a historic piece of wrestling history, she’s also improved her knowledge since the previous match because she attacks Trish from behind during her entrance and throws her off the stage into the mud, in fact, she flew off it like an eagle or maybe a pigeon, some kind of bird. Trish did look normal prior to hitting the pool, she now looks like someone has poured cement mix over her. She drags Stacy in with her and if she wasn’t much taller than Trish, you wouldn’t be able to identify which of them is which. Mistaking the referee for Trish, Stacy pulls him in and now he’s covered too, it’s all one giant mess. The splash from the ref covered a cameraman and probably hit some crowd members too, which got a light chuckle from me, but they’re going to have to try harder if they want me to really laugh. I can’t quite figure out if this is actually entertaining, or if perhaps it’s just so bad you can’t help but enjoy it slightly. There is spanking, it’s uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable. Luckily, Stacy puts a stop to all of that mess and tries to drown Trish instead, the Keibs is truly the hero we all deserve and need. The sooner people start to realize the greatness of one Stacy Keibler, the better off humanity will be. There’s a lot of flailing around for a few minutes which is rather funny because I have no idea how either of them can see what they’re doing. The match ends up out of the pool so that Trish can roll Stacy up for the win. I’m currently trying to figure out how I feel about this “match” in my head. It was uncomfortable, funny and messy all rolled into one. The only improvement from the prior one mentioned is that the title isn’t involved. But good lord these things are scarily bad while also comedy gold.
I usually do four matches for this series but three is enough this time. If I attempt to watch another one, I might actually have to jump off a cliff. This has been a very sarcastic piece in this series, in case you were unaware, but I do genuinely appreciate the fact that these women put themselves in these matches, despite how utterly degrading they are. Stacy is the queen of weird stipulations and poor wrestling, yet she still managed to have a small impact on the division during her time, it says a lot about her but also the time in which she was around. I needed comedic relief after a weird holiday season and this certainly provided it, I hope all of you reading this enjoyed it, but trust me, you don’t want to watch any of these matches, they might actually burn your eyes. All hail the Keibs!