Reviews TNA

Impact on Pop Review: “It’s The Captain!” (3/15/16)

Quick Results

  • Jeff Hardy pins Eric Young after the Swanton Bomb. As a result, Jeff is added to the main event, making it a triple threat match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.
  • Mike Bennett & Maria Kanellis beat Drew Galloway & Gail Kim in a mixed tag match after Maria pins Gail with a schoolboy.
  • Decay beat Beer Money & Eddie Edwards after Crazzy Steve pins Eddie Edwards following a low blow. There was licking and celebrating amongst Decay afterward.
  • Grado beat Eli Drake in a ladder match and gets his job back as an active wrestler in TNA.
  • Drew Galloway cashes in his Feast or Fired Briefcase and pins Matt Hardy following the Future Shock DDT to become the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion. The match also involved Jeff Hardy (who was taken out by Eric Young via piledriver on the floor) and Ethan Carter III (who was taken out by Mike Bennett via crowd brawl).

Five minutes into this episode of Impact on POP, I decided I was going to take it upon myself to review this show properly. I was going to praise where it needs praised and buried where it needs buried. I am a man who will pull no punches. I take no prisoners. I let you, the reader, sort of know what happens, and in the end, I’m plugging “Wrestling With Paul”. Seems like a fair trade. My soul for Paul plugs.

Here’s the problem. I just sort of decided to do this out of the blue. I have no idea what format this thing is going to take. So, I’m just typing words. At some point, I’ll probably highlight and bold various winners of matches, if there are any. I assume there are winners, but it is TNA. So, never assume anything.

By the way, you’re basically getting a stream of consciousness from me.

Show starts with Jeff Hardy making his return to the Impact Zone after being “injured” by Eric Young and Bram. I make no claims as to knowing if this is actually true. I’m just repeating what Josh and Pope probably said. The show becomes hilarious almost immediately as Eric Young is crazy and rambling in the back and stops to jaw back and forth with Dixie. The following exchange takes place:

Eric: “You want some, Dixie? You want some? You want some?”

Less than a minute into the match, which has broken down into a brawl, Dixie’s music interrupts and she announces that the winner of the match will be inserted in the main event tonight to make it a three way for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. I have to confess that I have no idea if this match was any good as it was at that moment that I volunteered to review this show. Things happened. The crowd cheered.

Jeff Hardy pins Eric Young after hitting the Swanton Bomb. He’ll be in added to the main event which is now Matt Hardy vs Ethan Carter III vs. Jeff Hardy for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Jeff’s celebration is short lived as “I AM ICONIC” hits and the current TNA champion Matt Hardy makes his way to the ring with his wife, Reby, and his child, Maxel. Poor Maxel looks terrified.

Commercial.

We’re back, and Matt is dressed like it’s 2009 and he just had a rather poor match with Jeff at WrestleMania 25. Matt tries to make excuses for his actions. Oh my god. The crowd is chanting “Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff!” as Jeff holds Maxel. Ok, seriously, how is this child allowed on TV to be used as a bargaining tool? Matt and Jeff argue back and forth here about whether Jeff should be in the main event tonight or not. Reby and Maxel have left the ring.

AND DURING MATT AND JEFF’S BRAWL, GRAPHICS KEPT POPPING UP ON SCREEN SAYING “TNA WRESTLING WILL BE RIGHT BACK!”

This company is amazing.

Jeff leaves Matt laying and the main event for the night is official. As if it wasn’t official before.

We are twenty three minutes into this show, and I’m already having chest pains. I don’t know if I can do this.

A couple of promos next. First Eddie Edwards talks about Davey’s injury and how he isn’t there tonight to take back their titles. Decay attack him. No one seemed to be truly concerned as they cut to a promo from Mike and Maria Kanellis. My two favorite acts in the company. The only things worth watching on this television program. They set up a mixed tag match happening later in the evening: Mike & Maria vs. Drew Galloway & Gail Kim.

When I finish my Paul series, I might start a series called “Wrestling With A Miracle”.

Commercial.

Back from break we find Beer Money checking on Eddie Edward’s condition. James Storm tells Decay to check social media. “Sorry about your damn luck”. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. Regardless, we’re getting Decay vs Beer Money & Eddie Edwards tonight.

And as Mike and Maria make their way to the ring, I realize this means TNA is doing TWO intergender matches tonight. Oh how very progressive of them. The march to one million viewers moves ahead.  

Even though Josh said this was simply a mixed tag match, things broke down to straight up intergender very quickly. Well actually it was mostly Gail beating up Mike Bennett before taking a tumble to the floor. Most of the match was Drew basically beating up Mike as Maria yelled in the corner for him to stop over and over again. I actually really liked the match, but then again, I am an unabashed Mike Bennett fanboy. Mike and Maria win the match after Maria pins Gail Kim with a school boy. And there was much celebration.

Recap video of last week’s Kurt Angle farewell. There’s an attempt to put over Lashley strong. Josh promises that after the break he’ll have an in-ring interview with Lashley and he wants answers. I want soda pop.

Commercial.

I seriously got soda pop here. WalMart brand zero calorie stuff. All hail.

Someone book Moose vs. Bobby Lashley. That’s a match I really want to see.

I’m not recapping this entire Bobby Lashley promo. The basic gist is that Lashley turned on Kurt Angle because he’s tired of the politics. I think they sent Lashley out there without a script of any sort. “I don’t have any friends,” says Lashley. Lashley tells Josh, “You’re in my ring, Josh,” and then slings him around by the neck. Pope makes the save. This is amazing and hilarious from probably all the wrong reasons. Lashley takes out with Pope with a spear. Really amazing bump from Pope on that move. That’s a legit complement. Took the move right on his head.

Decay promo. Steve and Rosemary lick each other as Abyss nods in approval. “Oh yeah, keep doing that,” says the monster as we go to break.

Commercial.

It would be a good time to point out that, at this moment, we’re fifty seven minutes into this show and there have been two matches, both of which have gone less than ten minutes. Big John putting those recycled 2006 Raw scripts to good use, I see.

Borash has joined Josh at the booth now. Apparently the former full time pro wrestler can’t handle Lashley’s physical banter, but the guy who’s spent the last fifteen years commentating is alright. Cut to a backstage promo with EC3 and Jeff Hardy. They talk about the main event.

Hey, a match! Decay vs Beer Money & Eddie Edwards.

Borash has joined Josh at the desk, but he’s still doing ring announcing. You really can’t make this stuff up.

The six person match wasn’t bad. Abyss worked a lot of it. Beer Money is doing wacky double enzuigiris. James Storm does a dive to the floor onto Abyss and starts shouting out profanities. Decay wins the match when Crazzy Steve pins Eddie Edwards following a low blow.  

Before the break, we go backstage to Grado and Billy Corgan! Billy admits to looking at lots of pictures of twitter. Lots of videotape. Things get crazy in those Nashville basements, I bet. They probably don’t even have windows in their offices these days. Sad.

Commercial.

Matt and Reby confront Dixie in the back after the break. They want Dixie to change the main event. Her response: “Fans want competitive wrestling matches. They want to be on the edge of their seats.” Matt says he’s just going to walk to the ring, punch the ref in the face, and get himself disqualified. Dixie proclaims there are no count outs and no disqualifications in the main event.

I thought all triple threat matches were like that?

Oh my god, it’s Eli Drake. He demands Billy or Dixie or someone in the front office bring him his King of the Mountain briefcase back. Out come Billy and Grado to the ring. Billy is wearing incredible silver shoes. Shiny and beautiful. He makes Grado give Eli the briefcase back, but he rewards Gado with an opportunity to get his job back. All he has to do is win a ladder match with Eli rake. Eli tries to argue, but Billy responds with, “C’mon, it’s wrestling.” He makes a valid point.

Billy Corgan may be the smartest man in wrestling not named Paul Levesque.

Commercial.

Riveting discussion about Leva Bates happening on the twitter timeline right now.

So, we’re really getting a ladder match with a five minute build here. Nice.

Josh and Borash seemingly have no idea what’s actually at stake in this match. Billy said it was to determine if Grado got his job back or not. But both commentators are questioning if Grado would get the King of the Mountain match contract anyway.

Typical ladder match stuff here. Interference from Jessie Godderz and Shera. The crowd actually booed when Shera made his appearance. Grado actually climbed midway up the ladder and did a dive outside the ring. Back in the ring. Both men climbing up the same side for the contract. Grado gives Eli an electric chair drop and they both fall to the floor. Suddenly, I’m doing play by play, and I hate doing that for match. Bionic Elbow from Grado. Eli falls to the floor. And Grado grabs the contract for the win. Shera and Grado celebrate.

Main event is up next.

Commercial.

I’ve almost made it through an entire episode of Impact. It actually hasn’t been that bad. And the crowd has been alive and into everything, for the most part.

We come back to Eric Young absolutely berating Bram, and I’m not entirely sure why. But then something amazing happens. Willow appears in the background and points his umbrella at Eric Young. Yes, THAT Willow. He has returned. And I’m dying of laughter here.

Time for the main event. Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Ethan Carter III for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. This is actually being worked differently than most three way matches. Most of the time one guy gets thrown out of the ring. They aren’t doing that here. There’s actually some creative stuff being built around old Hardy Boys moves and whether Jeff will help Matt at all. EC3 hits a dropkick. Matt rolls out of the ring. And we go to what I presume will be the final break.

Commercial.

Back from break, it’s Matt and Jeff going at it in the ring. EC3 was incapacitated during the break via a Side Effect on the ring apron. Things have broken down into a Matt Hardy/Jeff Hardy singles match. Bram and Jeff Hardy interfere. Eric Young with a piledriver to Jeff Hardy on the floor. More interference moments later from Rockstar Spud, Tyrus, and Mike Bennett. Bennett and EC3 end up brawling in the crowd. Matt is left in the ring alone. He smiles. He gloats. He wants his belt.

“It’s the captain! … Is Drew Galloway cashing in tonight?!?”

Drew Galloway cashes in his contract. One Future Shock DDT later, and Drew Galloway is your NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Basically, all hail. Also, I have no idea if I’ll do this again next week.

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